Momma goes back to school

Did i mention i have a career? Oh yeah...  went back to school at 42!  Who does that i ask myself. Myself answers, "who cares, Im getting new school clothes." So I launched myself off to Fashion Bug for the latest in apparrell.  School day arrives.  Im filled with excitement and trepidation. Up at 3am; arrive at 6:45. Class starts at 8am. I giggle nervously to myself. Ive got on my best!  A line skirt , Leggs pantyhose , white blouse, sporting jewelry (nice touch i think) and my big splurge: boots!  Its 90 degrees outside. At 9:15 "the kids" arrive.  Boys first. They bound in at the speed of lightening with permanent hard ons. U will realize why when i tell u!  They take to their desks, launching themselves with amazing accuracy into the seats some sitting backward staring at me. I swear one little blasphemous speeder winked and rolled his tongue around in his mouth suggestively at me!  Boy, I thought, I should have come to school sooner!  This is where the action is. As im musing on the possibilities, the girls arrive. Langoursly I might add!  This one in particular sashayed in with both eyes half mast, bunny slippers, and only what i would have called a baby doll pajama top and shorts so short the boy next to her was upside down in his seat with crazed look in his eye. No bra on! Her hair looked like a brush never seen it and still she looked amazing!  She tucked into her seat and her head immediately hit the desk and she was snoring softly in two minutes. U couldnt pay me to stop looking!  I shoved her gently on the shoulder. Dear i said, did ur mama forget to dress u?  Mmmm.....she said.   I said, "did u forget to dress?" She mumbled, "Oh yeah well i was up till 7am."  Me and johnnie had an all nighter!  Thats johnnie over there. Say hi johnnie.  It was the speeder!  I leaned over to tell my friend Debbie, she's from Dallas, that's this class is gonna be an easy A. 

Moms Buckle shopping excursion as told by her

So i go to mall today to shop for my daughter thinking a gift certificate at the Buckle. Im standing aimlessly at the entrance to the store when "mr gay" lookin like he step from GQ spots me and pulls me in with a big hello as he's folding some shirts. "How can i help u?" he asks. I state with confidence, "i want a gift certificate!"  He looks me up and down and motions me to the "counter".  Im still brimming with confidence and march up to the checkout. Meanwhile, I noticed mr gay has hand signalled his clerks and they move as drones toward me, some hiding in the clothes.  The girl at checkout is blonde amazon with waist 16 inches and boots that would rival Carrie's in sex and the city. Her hair and makeup kept me enthralled the entire time as I waited for her to speak. She said, "be with u in a sec!"  Just then someone tapped me on the shoulder and said, "did i hear u ask for a gift certificate?"

 Turning around I encountered a nonstop motormouth with a dazzling rabbity smile that whipped out a tablet and proceeded to ask ur name and said oh yes, here's laurie,  her  size is  medium in blouse and she wear 28/34 in rockrevival and wouldnt u like a gift for her under the tree?" and pushed me to the table and had the jeans picked out in less than three minutes. My head began to buzz and vision dimmed as i looked at the price. Out of the corner of the good eye I saw her staring at me. I laughed a little nervously and muttered that I just wanted a gift certificate. She laughed and tossed her beaver smile which by the way was perfectly suited for her and said, "we need to get her something under the tree now don't we?"  She smelled so good, so i agreed and she said lets hit the blouse table and pushed me over to that in which she had whipped u an ensemble so fast my head spun.  Never once did she cease talking. When i said that was

 out of my price range with "patsy" on my forehead, she completely ignored me and herded me over to another table to "round out the dollar". I think that's code for get the most money out of me. There she left me.  I saw her later on with "mr gay" hovering over another unsuspecting mother that was undecided!!! Poor thing, i said to myself. She has no clue how they work in the Buckle"  

Introduction to vaping

 Well my daughter and grandkids went on an excursion today to spend money that Dad and Papaw gave them for christmas!  I just nudged myself in and went along for the ride.  This is a true story I'm about to tell u so try not to be appalled when... well when u are!  Here goes...  we are tooling down route 13 to carbondale and the kids are chattering and fighting in the back seat as usual. My daughter has on another indian outfit some three or four layers deep, jewelry to rival Ali Baba and some pink posh lipstick on her pouty lips and glittery pink blush from some upper scale brand. (I gave her that!!!)  She wore it like Godiva!!!!  And I noticed her sunglasses had three layers of colors to the outside frame. She proclaimed them Dolce and Gabbana.  Well out of the corner of my good eye I saw something slightly red and long with smoke drifting out of it!!!  It had merry christmas on the side of it!  My daughter took what i can only describe as a

 long practiced drag from it and i swear she had inhaled like an old indian chief on a pow wow and blew this candy smell out her nose and into my face!  The kids in the back seat went into overdrive jumping up and down like corn popping, screamming "mama's got her puffer, mama' s got her puffer"!!!! Apparently they have witnessed this before and old news to them.  I sat stunned at what I was seeing!  Smoke billowing out everywhere and she held the fake cig kinda like a wino clutches his bottle.. all possessive and leaned over and whispered through the smoke screen between us that it "tasted good and settled her "nerves"  I lowered my head gently in deep understanding for a minute. The kids in the back explained it all.  But then she got a glazed look in her black kohl lined eyes and inhaled again with gusto and said "here, try it! "I will get u one"  it will help u lose weight... go on...try it, like the pusher to the first time crack head!!  Then she just went crazy... drove like a maniac down side streets in carbondale looking for a smoke shop to get me mine for the next 45 minutes. We whipped in and out of stores with single minded determination. She never let up on her inhaling! I was shook up and we finally got me one after she wrangled around pouring some liquid potpourri  with emphasis on the"pot" into the little stem and she plugged it into the carjack and  told me to charge it every once in awhile!!!! U cant fool me!  This is a cigarette.!  I finally, feebly  took a toke and coughed and gagged!  They all laughed in unison and the kids were screaming " mamaws a puffer!" Where they get that from??  I think she trying to cover up what this shit really is, cause my head swam and my eyes watered and glittered and I felt a

 calmness descend on me as I took another drag.   Yep, "its dope,"i said to myself. No wonder she's dressing like an indian. Im getting me a shawl soon as I can!!!!!! 

The start of it all

The content you are about to read is told through text by my mom. She fancies herself an Erma Bombeck. 

Heres me at a new dentist again getting my teeth cleaned at 7:30 am. I walk in all nice and chipper and greet the receptionist that looks dead with a big ole, "hello! good morning!" She says nothing so i figure, ok she is dead. She just busies herself with shuffling papers and finally gives me one to fill out!  There IT is!!! The big question like its so important and they are so concerned with ur teeth......it says "do u like ur smile?" Well who the fuck does with crooked overlapping vampiric yellow teeth?  But i bravely and honestly answer NO!  Just like that, with capital letters and big explanation marks!!!  The hygenist took the paper, called me in, put me in the Chair and breezeily said, "hello my name is melissa." She then jammed two cardboard pieces into my mouth that another dentist had said was as big as a horses.   I couldn't even speak the entire time of cleaning and not one time did they address my vampire concerns!!!!!  I left rather morosely and dejected with two cavities to be filled, a bill for $138 for X-rays and cleaning, and pictures of my horsey mouth.